just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Pants are for mortals
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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