I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
