clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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