Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
