her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
