just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You made me cry and you don't even care
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
