i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
