She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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