I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
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I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
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I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize