what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
