i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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