hotel room ftw
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
