And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
