Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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