apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
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