my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
