ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
