Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
