Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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