He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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