You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
