Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just cut my nipple shaving
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
50% drunk capacity currently
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
