My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Damn victory sex feels great
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
