Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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