Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
