You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
