Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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