Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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