Your mouth is God's brothel.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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