Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
