Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
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