woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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