Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just tell him i said nine months
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I fill condoms, not promises.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
