Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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