Non-Jews are for practice
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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