when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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