Who wears a wallet chain?!
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
