Is it normal to miss your booty call?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
