what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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