My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
