Your face is a jimmy john
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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