you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
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I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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