Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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