The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
