There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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