i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
