i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
