im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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