i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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