I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler