He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.