This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.