I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.