I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
