I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
