Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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