I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
