whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
